For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with the feeling of being not enough, yet too much.
I’m pretty shy and definitely introverted, so I prefer to be alone and quiet. But I push myself to talk and be social because I want you to like me. I’m full of joy and exuberance for life, but I tone it down if I feel like it makes you feel uncomfortable…or because I want you to like me.
I tell myself “keep talking, be outgoing, you’ve got this…not like that! That’s too bubbly! Don’t let them think you’re dumb or ditzy…but keep making them laugh!” It’s a tug of war in my head, really, and it is exhausting.
I’ve been working on this in therapy for years. How do I live in the tension of feeling not enough, yet too much? Or better yet, how do I break through those chains and be fully me- no matter how anyone else feels about it?
So that is what I’m constantly observing, learning, and practicing. Leaning into who I fully am at the moment. Sometimes I am quiet and I want to be alone and feel melancholy. So I do that. Even if it upsets you because I say no. Sometimes my joy is so big it makes you uncomfortable and you yell, “It’s not Christmas!”, out your car window at me when you see me in my elf costume. I feel deflated, but then I take a breath and remember I’m not responsible for how YOU feel. I’m responsible for being ME. Even if you don’t like me.
Then I speak it out loud (so this time, here on social media) because I am determined to break it’s power over me. I AM enough, I am NOT too much. I am ME. And me is great just the way she is no matter what.
If you need this today: Our worth does not change whether people like us or not.
