These past few seasons have been a whirlwind of newness for me. I think my body doesn’t know what to do with itself and might curl up into a big ball of anxiety if I do one more new thing. 🙂
Not really, but kind of.
I have conquered a lot of fears and unknowns this year, and I really feel I’m becoming more and more of who I am created to be. It is thrilling! And scary. There are moments where I think, “wait, who am I and why do I think know what I’m doing?” But then I do it, and I become more confident in what comes along next. More often than not, I find that no, I really don’t know what I’m doing, but yes, I find exactly what I need within me each time I need to do it!
I’ve always struggled with anxiety and “that voice” that tells me nobody likes me and they’re all just waiting for me to fail. As an 11 year old I regularly visited with a therapist because I would cry and cry at night to the point of vomiting, all because I was worried my teacher was upset with me.
This new season of life has brought out a new level of, but familiar sound to my anxiety. But instead of being afraid of it, I’m learning to say, “Oh, hello voice. I see you’re there, but I’m not going to let you control me.” I’ve been working with an amazing therapist who is helping me develop skills to learn to live with my anxiety. I am finding power in the ability to acknowledge my struggle, name it, and find tools to learn to process it.
This season has also been a new stage of mothering for me. I no longer have little kids really, but older boys. They are more and more independent, and we have a new element to our relationship that I really enjoy. We have conversations about life and God and feelings. We laugh together, and go on dates together. We talk about girls together. (!) I’m not taller than one of them anymore. We have lots of moments away from each other, too. I work. They go to school. They meet up with friends, I go out on girls’ nights and dates with my husband. It is a new season that I just kind of stumbled upon, and there is much beauty in it. I continue to understand that yes, life is designed to move, and each stage and season is full of goodness and beauty.
Surprisingly, even though filled with newness and anxiety and thrill, I would label this season: quiet. My heart (and words!) have been quiet, really just listening and observing within myself. I often hear God in the quiet times of my day, through the wind in the trees and the pitter patter of the rain. It’s almost as if God is being revealed as the calm and the constant presence I need amidst the chaos. I’ve held to that and found myself looking forward to those moments of quiet and stillness with God, mostly in the quiet morning curled up in my favorite chair, journaling and reading and drinking coffee.
I have this beautiful tattoo of five birds flying together that I find myself thinking of often (well, whenever I glance at my wrist). Michael, Trevor, Elliott, Simon, and I fly together and enjoy each other’s presence, but we also fly off on our own at times too. These last couple seasons have helped me “fly off” to become more of who I have been created to be; each of the boys will do that too (and already are). It is my joy and my honor to be a part of their journey and help equip them to do great things. When I see them choose compassion for the underdog, or love for someone different than them, or joy in the little, ordinary things my heart feels full. I may not feel like I know what I’m doing, or that most of the time I’m flying by the seat of my pants, but I have great peace in knowing that by helping them develop language for connecting with God and loving people, they will change their world.
