Anxiety and Depression: A lot of times, I just want to punch them in the face. They are a nuisance and really cramp my style. I’m learning to take sadness out of its perfect little boundary I have always set it in, and I’m giving it the attention it needs.
Throughout my journey, I’ve had to face a lot of my raw emotions head on. To say that it has been difficult is an understatement. This past year has been especially difficult with a lot of tears, panic episodes, feelings of despair, and loneliness.
In sitting with my sadness, I am learning a lot about myself and how I respond when life doesn’t go as planned. I am also becoming aware of how my whole body feels when I feel like hope is slipping away.
When I feel like tears want to escape, I am learning to release them freely and allow my family to see me cry. I tell them when I’m sad, and alert them when I am especially irritable. Actively modeling how to process emotions with honesty and vulnerability has already proven to have a beautiful impact on my boys and their emotional awareness.
I think one of the most overwhelming parts of this for me is not knowing when each season will be over. I know from past experience that it never lasts forever, and it is sure to return. So instead of pushing it down and making it louder for the next appearance, I try to just sit in it. I express it to those closest to me, and I reveal how I am feeling so they can embrace me and help me feel less alone.
So many of us run around spackling all of the cracks, trying to make everything look just right.”- Brene Brown
This rings true for me (figuratively and literally) as I try to balance a part time job in ministry, a small business, and raising a family. I do struggle with perfectionism (it is a root of my anxiety), but really I think it comes from feelings of inadequacy. I’m working on being mindful of those feelings, but also not holding them too tightly and letting them spiral. Today I will observe when I feel inadequate, but gently release that feeling and have self-compassion for myself. We are all in this together.
It might be days, it might be months, but I know this is not the end. So for this day, even for just this hour, I choose to simply be. I will stand still in the warmth of the sun or the silence of the moon, while being aware of the grass between my toes. This is not the end.
